[M] Dont Forget (1/1)

[ THEN ]I sat in my dark, dreary apartment and tried to figure out how I’d ended up here. I’d been a good person, right? I’d never done anyone horribly wrong in my life. I was good to my friends. I’d been a good girlfriend. I’d been a good daughter, despite the fact that my mother hadn’t deserved any sort of good behavior from me. So why, exactly, had my life become some jumbled mess?A sickening thought crossed my mind as I fell back on the couch with a sigh. Maybe part of the reason I was so horrible with men was because I hadn’t grown up with a father. It was like this huge chunk of information was missing from my life – the things I needed to know. And now, there was no way I would ever have all the answers to the questions.I felt deserted and cheated. I’d wasted so much time on a relationship that hadn’t been going anywhere, and it’d been my own fault. I hated myself for still so desperately missing him, for still feeling such a sense of emptiness. It’s like there was a hole in my chest that I couldn’t fill. No amount of tears in the world could’ve made me feel better or could’ve made me closer to letting it all out. I still felt bottled up, even though I’d squalled on Jinsun’s shoulders a million times already.What gave? What would turn my life around and allow me to start over? It was like I knew the answer, but I didn’t know how to approach it. This was my chance to do things the right way. I needed to relearn who exactly Mui was because I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. I’d become “Changmin’s girlfriend”. I’d lost a big part of my identity, and I wanted it back.But where did I begin? I wasn’t ready for love yet. I was over it for now. But I also didn’t want to mope around my empty apartment, filling myself with dreadful thoughts that would only dig me further down into this miserable hole. Only I was capable of moving on. No motivational speech from Jinsun, Jaejoong, or hell, even Junsu, could change things – could make my life more than what it’d become. I had to do it myself. I had to push myself to jump over the wall I’d let build itself around me – the cage I’d felt Changmin had trapped me in with his overly-possessive ways.In a way, it was my own fault. I never really stood up for myself or spoke up when I didn’t like the way things were going. My life had become a game of pretending – pretending I was happy, pretending I didn’t care about how little time we spent together, pretending I didn’t go to Jinsun and Jaejoong just to complain about how pointless my relationship with Changmin had begun feeling. And I knew I hadn’t been the only one; Changmin had enjoyed pretending, as well. His favorite thing to do was stick his head in the clouds and act as if we didn’t have issues.I felt my chest tighten with sadness. My first love. My first real relationship, the first one that had ever meant anything to me, was gone. Before Changmin, the extent of my love life had been holding hands with a boy on the playground. And here I was, after Changmin. But what did this mean now? How could I ever look at another man and feel the same feelings for him as I had once felt, and still did, for Changmin? It made me think of all those movies where the main character falls deeply in love at a young age, things go wrong, and then, by the end of the movie, they’re in someone else’s arms. They made it look so easy, as if you could snap your fingers and erase all your memories of your first.If it were that simple, then why wasn’t I beginning to get over him? Why was I still laying on this couch, feeling empty and alone? Surely, it indeed was possible for people to move on quickly. I’d seen this firsthand with Changmin and his new girlfriend – just down the street from my own apartment. He’d gotten over me. He’d moved on with his life. He’d found someone who could probably fit into the perfect mold he’d made for his girlfriend.The mold I could never quite match up to.I sighed and reached over to the coffee table to grab my phone. I didn’t want to sit in the apartment all day. I’d remembered one of Jinsun’s motivational speeches – the one where she’d made me promise to her that I wouldn’t sit around and let myself think about it. And because it was a promise, I couldn’t go against it – well, any more than I already had. I had to get out of this house.**[ NOW ]Changmin had called me several times within the last week. He’d wanted to know why I’d never called him back, why I hadn’t called in to let him know I’d made it home okay and that everything was alright. Deep down, I knew why I didn’t want to call him back, but on the surface, I downplayed it to mere exhaustion. I didn’t feel like explaining everything to him, and I was tired of thinking about the whole thing.My mind wouldn’t leave the thought of Jaejoong. I missed him beyond words. I missed him putting me in my place. I missed having late-night conversations with him. I missed watching him get drunk on the front porch and let loose – the side of Jaejoong no one really ever saw, but I had been lucky enough to have the pleasure to.I had tried to make myself feel better, tried to tell myself that I was lucky to have just gotten the chance to become close with him, even just for a little while. I knew few people had ever really gotten to know the real Kim Jaejoong. They just knew the little things – the only things he’d ever wanted them to know. It was such a shame that such an amazing person had to feel so closed-off all the time. I understood it, to some extent, because I’d had to live my life feeling very closed-off, myself. I knew having a bad childhood could do that to you. But there wasn’t much to me. I wasn’t interesting or daring. I wasn’t anything like Jaejoong.I wondered what Yoochun and Junsu thought of the whole thing. I was sure Yoochun had relayed everything to Junsu, and I knew he was probably dogging me to Jinsun. I could picture the whole thing perfectly: Junsu telling Jinsun what a bitch I am while Jinsun shakes her head and tries to tell Junsu he doesn’t know the whole story.But he wouldn’t have to, in order to know what a horrible friend I was.I knew Jinsun thought the whole thing was pretty bad, too. She just cared about me enough to not tell me what a bitch I was to my face. Plus, Jinsun could always see things from two different points of view. It was something I’d always admired about her. She didn’t jump on the hate bandwagon. She always formed her own opinions. It was why she was the Mother Hen of the bunch.Before I could drown myself further in regretful thoughts, my phone went off. I clicked the green button before even reading the name.“Hello?” I said, looking down at my chipped nails.“Hey,” the familiar voice said back. I jerked up. It was none other than Yunho.I faked a smile, just so that my voice wouldn’t sound so lifeless. “Yunho, how are you?”He sighed. “I’m doing well. I just wanted to know if you wanted to come have lunch with me.”I raised my eyebrow. It’d been weeks since I’d heard from Yunho, and now he wanted lunch?“Changmin won’t be there, will he?”I could tell by how long it was taking him to answer that I’d caught on. “Well…”I sighed into the phone. “Listen, Yunho, me and Changmin are on perfectly fine terms right now, but I don’t really feel like seeing him at the moment. I’m kind of dealing with some stuff right now. Thanks for inviting me, anyway.”“Mui, you can’t just avoid him forever. He’s been calling you nonstop, and you won’t answer. If you’re on fine terms, then why have you been ignoring him?”I clicked my nails on the table’s surface. I was beginning to become annoyed by Yunho’s nosy ways. “I haven’t been answering anyone’s phone calls lately. I have a lot going on.”It was a huge lie. Jinsun had called me numerous times over the last little while, and I’d answered every call. But Jinsun was a far stretch from Changmin.“You’re being so stubborn about the whole thing,” Yunho complained. I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to hang up on him. Yunho’s melodramatic tone told me that he was on the edge, but so was I. I wasn’t being bullied into having lunch with him and Changmin, especially when it would probably end up just being me and Changmin when Yunho miraculously found he had some “last-minute meeting he had to get to”. I just wasn’t in the mood.I sank back into the couch. “I appreciate you trying to help, Yunho, but I’m a grown woman. When I feel like seeing Changmin, I’ll call him. For now, I have some issues to sort through, and seeing Changmin is not in my best interests.”Yunho was quiet for a second, and then he replied, “Fine, I won’t bother you anymore. I just think you should maybe call him. He’s worried about you.”I found it ironic that Changmin was now worrying about how my life was going these days, when months earlier, he’d snubbed me at the restaurant with Yoojin. All of a sudden, now that it was clear to him that me and Jaejoong were closer than ever (or had been), he wanted to keep tabs on my life and know “if I was alright”. It slightly pissed me off. But more than that, I was just tired of Yunho’s interference. It was mine and Changmin’s relationship. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t mind his own business, but I mean, it was Yunho. The phrase “minding his own business” and “Yunho” had never quite went together.“Okay. Well, I don’t know about that, but thanks for inviting me to lunch, anyhow. I’ll talk to you soon,” I said, trying to shoo him off the phone in a not-so-discreet manner.“Goodbye,” Yunho said shortly before hanging up in a huff.I slammed my phone down on the coffee table and let out the world’s biggest sigh. I needed to be left alone right now. If your name wasn’t Jinsun or Jaejoong, chances were, I didn’t want to speak to you. I didn’t feel like giving you the “lowdown”. I only opened up to certain people, and Yunho, although he’d become a decently good friend, had never been someone I’d dished all my issues out to. And Changmin hadn’t been since high school.I grabbed my phone and sent Jinsun a text, just asking her what she was doing today. I thought maybe we could go out to lunch, instead of me going out to lunch with Yunho. The idea of lunch with a rational person sounded much nicer. But when I received a text back, I realized our lunch date would have to be on some other day.‘Going out to lunch with Yoochun, Junsu, Jaejoong, and Suhye. You’re welcome to come.’I couldn’t believe she’d even invited me – what with Jaejoong being there. He hated me. And let’s not forget that Yoochun hated me, as well, which meant there was little hope Junsu still had anything nice to say about me. So, it basically meant the only people there that would be able to tolerate my presence would be Jinsun and Suhye. Didn’t sound like such a good idea. Plus, I didn’t want to put Jaejoong in such an uncomfortable situation. I knew he didn’t want to see me, and I wasn’t about to show up unannounced.‘Thanks, but you know that’s not going to happen. Just wanted to see how things were going. Guess I’ll talk to you later. Have a good lunch. ^^’The message was short and almost sounded hateful, despite my attempt at a happy face added onto the end. My phone beeped minutes later, and I clicked ‘View now’.‘Stop being silly, Mui. You know Jaejoong isn’t that immature. He doesn’t care if you come and eat with us.’I nearly choked on my spit. She hadn’t asked him, had she?‘You haven’t said anything to him about it, have you? Please say you haven’t. But anyhow, I’m not intruding on your lunch. Everything is fine. I’m just bored. Have a good time. I’ll call you later.’My phone beeped again.‘No, I haven’t said anything…lol. But you know Jaejoong. If anything, he’ll just ignore you. But it’s whatever. If you’re set on not coming, then that’s fine. Any news lately?’I began typing.‘Yes, actually. Yunho has been pestering me. I’ll fill you in later.’‘Okay.’I shut my phone and sat it back down. So much for lunch with Jinsun. I would have to sit here all day and be bored, which didn’t sound like much fun. I walked into my bedroom and grabbed my laptop. I logged onto my Facebook, telling myself it was just to pass the time. Deep down, I was itching to go on Jaejoong’s page. Despite our less-than-friendly status in real life, he hadn’t deleted me. I hadn’t really expected him to, since being immature and stupid wasn’t really Jaejoong’s style, but still – I’d halfway thought he would.Finally, I gave in and searched his name in the search bar. It dropped down, and I clicked on his picture. When I got to his page, I began being nosy, despite the fact that I knew it was wrong and that I had no right to snoop into Jaejoong’s life. But after all, I mean, what was written on his Wall was viewable to the public. I wasn’t really snooping if it was out in the open for me to look at, right?There were lots of girls on his Wall. Nearly all of them left little flirty comments. Some thanked him for the “good time” or “night of their lives”. But it didn’t really faze me. I knew Jaejoong was a manwhore, so I’d been prepared to see things like that. The thing that got me was one girl in particular – Kwon Chohee. She seemed to post on his Wall a lot, and her comments didn’t sound like comments that just some one-night-stander would leave, or even comments that someone trying to become a one-night-stander would leave. They sounded almost…girlfriend-like. This realization alone caused a jolt to make its way through my body, and I almost felt sick.Jaejoong wasn’t seeing this girl, was he?He hadn’t commented on any of the things she’d left on his Wall, but she kept posting things that sounded a lot like responses to other things. I clicked on her name, and when it brought me to her page, I was pissed to find that everything was private. I wasn’t about to add her. I didn’t want to look like a Grade A stalker.I logged off as quickly as I could and shut my laptop. I didn’t want to think about Jaejoong or Kwon Chohee, whoever the hell she was, anymore. I walked back into the living room and began flipping through the channels. I ignored my stomach’s grumbling, knowing I hadn’t been to the grocery store in forever.My mind kept going back to Jaejoong, however. Who was she? What was she to him? I couldn’t tell her age from her picture, or even if she was too attractive or not. She looked pretty average, from what I could see, but it was hard to judge. There was this nitpicking feeling in the back of my head, and I knew exactly what it was, but I was so afraid to admit it to myself.When my doorbell rang seconds later, I nearly flew off the couch from being startled. I’d been so in my own little world that I was almost out of it. I sat the remote down on the couch and walked over to the door. Swinging it open, my jaw nearly hit the floor when I saw who it was.Changmin…?