17th Ramadan (1/1)

‘In the month of Ramadan, we spend more time with Quran than in any other part of the year. We spend time reading it by ourselves, we spend time studying it, we spend time listening to it during Taraweeh prayers, and so on. In this month, the revelation of Quran began and a civilization of learning and knowledge was born.’Today, I don’t go to school. My entire family just get a bad news and parts of me have different reaction. Firstly, I think I’m lucky enough not to go to school and face everyone that I just get into problem with. Due on this, there are also branches of feelings that have born – regret, pride, shame, afraid and back to regret again. Yeah, that’s why I kind of happy – more like pleased – to be away from place where I retrieve my shame – the fame of shame.I sigh, ruefully.And the other part of me feels sad. I ought to feel that way, so, because my grandpa just passed away yesterday – maybe that’s the reason of my over-grief last night while eating the Cadbury chocolate from Mr. Secret Admirer. I wonder, is it false to cry while fasting? I should make a reminder to ask Mum after this. Or Dad. Or Xiumin. Nah... I’m still not in a good term with him.I know. I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t hold grudge on him. It’s not even his fault to snap at me. The thing that I should know is patience isn’t always come around on someone even though he’s the calmest fellow that you’ve ever met. Heck, I don’t exactly know him. We just met, introduced each other, met again and talk. It pays at a high price to get to know someone well right? I regret. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing that I finally realize this now, the truth in building a good friendship.The other good thing is I’ll not step on the school area until next Monday. How wonderful – no, I don’t brag about the wonderfulness of non-study time (I’ll study until my last breath, in fact). This is just a whole different story from any of that. The truth is I’m afraid. You know it.This morning, Mum rings my classroom teacher to inform about my absence and family stuff. We depart from home quite early, about 12:00 a.m (yeah quite early), so that we can reach Xi’an in time. It’s in the afternoon or maybe later as we need to stop by the come-into-view mosque to perform Jumah prayer – a Friday prayer just after noon in the place of Dhur. It’s an obligatory for adult men who are legal residents of the locality. We just performed Fajr prayers about six hours ago and Mum has taken time to relax since she’s going to drive for nine hours left. It is freaking 15 hours car ride from Beijing to Xian and we highly prefer travelling by car rather than airplane or train that takes only about 2 hours.Let’s laugh together.Silently, I watch Mum and Dad having a light conversation while leaning my head to the headrest at the backseat. My eyes weakly flicker through the windscreen, throwing my vision, far, far away forward, from the wheels of Aunt Zheng’s car, to the boards of advertisements aside the thoroughfare and further north to the family of hills that looks like a canvas painting from here. The sun shines brightly today, almost blinding and fortunately this big star doesn’t come against our path. Mum need to wear shade. I say to you, it’s blinding. I can’t believe that it’s already summer, verily, or spring just goes by to quick without giving me a chance to sniff the scents of flowers out of their nectars – like I’ve the time to do so instead of being indoor for the whole days. I feel like want to tee-hee at myself for being exaggerated over bygone spring.It’s just a few miles away to reach grandparents village and we just stop by a small mosque in the enter way of Shaanxi an hour ago. After turning to a sign-boarded path and passing by a couple of decent houses, along with Aunt Zheng, Mum draws up and the car stops to a cease. Yeah, we’ve just arrived. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I awe-strikingly push the door and hop out, feeding my blurry eyes (because of a snooze) with the beautiful, naturedly summer surrounding. What a nice place!At the same time, I just realize that there are several cars parked at the front yard and Dad’s car is one of them. Oh. I think, this is not the right time to be awed with the ambience because clearly, the air here is literally humid, despite being radiated with summer heat. It feels humid, with tears and mourning of grief.“Minha! Come here.” I comply and jog to where Mum and Dad are heading. Dad can nicely walk with his crutch. Alhamdulillah. I look around and see no shadow of Ravi everywhere. Maybe he has entered into the house. There’s only Aunt Zheng, talking slowly with Mum while walking.I hug Grandma at the door frame. She looks very poor, her condition. This is the same Grandma who has visited Dad a few days ago. It seems like yesterday we just had iftar together at the hospital, with them. And now, one of them has gone to meet Allah S.W.T – my grandpa, I’ll never have the chance to be chummy around him anymore.“They just went to the funeral site a few minutes ago.” Grandma croakily informs to Mum as they hug each other. I guess, we’re late? (of course)“Oh Ma...” Mum sobs silently. “Then I’ll go there in few minutes. But Ma, you aren’t coming?”“I’m waiting for you.”“Alright. Let’s go.”Aunt Zheng tucks gently on Grandma’s hand and leads her to the car.Mum asks me if I want to come along and I reply with a shake of head. I’m not used to this kind of thing. There are just a lot of grievances that I don’t think I can bear to be presented at the graveyard which will be a lot more. The gone thing. It’s just isn’t my thing. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like to follow them at the moment. And I confirm with a shake once again.Mum holds my shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze. “Alright then. We’ll be back soon.” I throw her a thin smile and watch their figures getting into the cars, and the cars slowly roll backwards, swerve and off away at the road. They are out of sight and I turn around into the house.I haven’t been in here before, as far as I can remember. It feels awkward. There are still a lot of people here – mind to register that all of them are my distant relatives who I can’t catch who they are actually. The stay back adults just sit with red eyes and noses and children mindlessly cause a riot by running and playing around like in the grassy field. All of us are deep in different terms with different worlds.Instead of standing at the door waiting for my parents to be home, like a dumb, I pluck my courage up to get myself use to the surrounding. Nodding politely with a bare smile at the adults, I stride past the children and proceed into a hallway that lead to none other than the kitchen – I can see it from afar. There are all women there, cooking for iftar, I guess.“What do you need, dear?” A lady who is chopping some spinach looks up at me with an invisible smile, only with the thin line across her lips. Everyone here is crying. I don’t understand why I can’t make myself to.I blink for a couple of times and reply absentmindedly. “I’m looking for a boy, this tall and about the age of me.”She chuckles a little and points at the back door before the pantry. “Your brother went outside a few minutes ago.”“Oh really... He isn’t my brother, though.” Ravi? My brother? Heck.“But you have his mouth.”“Maybe because we’re in the same gene.”“Ah...” She haws in acknowledgement.“Anyway, thank you.” I give her a polite smile with a ‘oh, it’s nothing’ in return and saunter there, looking down. I hope he is alright. Being alone isn’t his nature. It just worries me more.The door creaks audibly and I push myself outside the kitchen, out into the back porch. It’s also quite a view here. Easily, I spot a guy’s back by the fence. He is sitting on the step with head forwardly set across the meadow in front of us. He looks preoccupied. Presumably, he doesn’t even realize that I’m here. Sometime, it’s just good to come into your own world and ignoring others – he is the exact example for this, although he isn’t usually like this or never.I draw closer and sit by his side with a distance. I can feel his eyes on me, but the intensity is obscure, which means he isn’t surprised – and more like an expectant. We look at each other. Neither of us smiles and either of us sigh.“I’m sorry.” He interjects with head down and elbows play cool on his separated knees. I’ve got the feeling that he is going to apologize, judging on the way his sorrow eyes look against mine. He should know, he shouldn’t apologize at me.“Anyway, are you still sulking?” I lay back, palms propped on the wooden floor and eyes swipe the merry sky. It’s blue.“I’m not sulking.” His voice changes to more petulant than sombre. That’s it. Call your lively soul back. Life must go on, at least.“Then, don’t you want to tell me what’s going on actually?” I urge, in soft way.“Believe me, Minha. You won’t believe it if I tell you the whole story.” Okay, he sounds ridiculous. Come on, I need your jolly voice to cover up the rumbling in my stomach – mind off this.“Just spill.” I candidly show that I don’t give a damn. I have been through a lot of surprises in my life. Life is actually a sucker than happier.“Tao rejects Chun an-”“What?” I hold his gaze on me and frown badly. Oh, my tone just rose highly just now and he has stopped calling Chun the loud girl. Meh...“See? You’ll look at me with that surprised face and as if I’m a big dumb who creates crappy story.” He wails.“Ain’t no.”“You just did.”“Aish, just continue!” I sit up sprightly.“Stop urging me. I know when to continue.” His mouth makes a moue. “And I saw them. They looked like they were bickering but obviously, Tao was just being reasonable with her, to be truth. Chun was...I don’t how to put in into words how she behaved exactly at that time.”“She was down?” I guess.“Yeah, sort of. She was crying actually.”“Oh dear...” No wonder she has busied herself all day and I’m too cross and sad at the moment to realize.“And then she went running up the hallway just like that. Tao noticed that I was watching from afar and smirk like a bully. I told you, Tao isn’t that nice. Then, I walked up to him and asked, wasn’t he going to run after her? Do you know what he just replied to me?”“What?”“He said that he wasn’t supposed to because she deserved to be so. To be rejected, he meant.”“Seriously what is wrong with Chun? She’s beautiful, nice, smart and bubbly.”“We aren’t talking about her, Minha. We are freaking talking about what is wrong with Tao and his snob.”“Actually Ravi, I don’t know you’re the type of guy who interferes in other love life.” That earns a whack on my arm. That hurts. He glares at me with gritted teeth – bloody childish.“Do I look like I give a damn?”“A little.”“You’re no help. Let’s end here and I won’t talk to you for the rest of the day.” He attempts to stand up and I quickly pull him down.“You’re going nowhere. Okay,okay. Continue your story.”He pretends to huff and I chuckle at his attempt. It doesn’t work, buddy. “I know that people varies in their attitudes. Some are just rude enough to tolerate with. Some are just too nice to hurt. Tao is completely opposite to the latter. He isn’t rude.” Yes, I could prove that.He resumes. “He just has this type of pick-up-a-fight line that I can’t help but to challenge him in a battle.”“Bat...Battle?” I doubt.“Yeah, battle. I warn him that I’m going to break his face if he dared to smirk that away again at me and that’s when he talked back to me if I’m brave enough to fight against him in this battle. It’s next week, held along with the carnival. So I punched him. You saw that, I know.” He stares down at his Nike and heaves a sigh.“Wow...you’re baddass.” He shoots me an unsatisfied look and speaks up.“What about you? What did you do to him?” This time, it’s my turn to look down at my flat. There’s a honey bee passes by us with its buzzing noise. What a natural disturbance.“I scold him for...uh...I don’t know. It must be something that he did to blow you up. That’s it.  I scolded him and demanded what he had done to you. For the price, I got yelled back.”“He yelled back at you? Imbecile.” There goes his accent.“Him and Xiumin. Yeah.” I mutter, getting stricken with Xiumin harsh voice all over again in my ears, echoing.“Come again?”“What?”“Xiumin did yell at you? Don’t go around spurting joke, Minha.” He laughs wholeheartedly at the last part. Oh, that’s disgrace.“Do I look like someone who loves to joke?”“To be honest yeah.” Ow, he just turns back the table at me. I calmly explain to him the truth. “But Minha, how can he yells at you when every time he looks at you, he has this dazzling aura that sing ‘oh, I love to see you’.” Ravi does sing for the last part and it terribly glass-shattering.More to a fact, guys prone to defend his friend – in account of his good friendship. Really, I can’t blame him for that. It’s beautiful to have him as good friend. Really beautiful. If I can be a guy, I’d love to be defended by him. Who doesn’t?“Aw, that’s so consoling.” I feign a sweet smile and scoff at the end. He manages to blurt out a spontaneous chuckle.“Childish, aren’t we? Dissing about our friends so freely.” Childish or not, I feel spacious in the head like a burden of guilty and distress just get lifted and I’m straight to the level of forgive and forget. The mention of ‘friends’ from Ravi’s mouth is another good thing to listen and preserve. He’s getting mature now.“So much.”“I can’t help but to think we’ve done wrong this time.” Really wrong, we should ask forgiven from Allah S.W.T.“We’ve to go on with it though. No matter what.” I pull my legs and stand up. I guess Mum and Dad are already home. It’s starting to get dark and about time to break the fast. I still haven’t perform Maghrib prayers, and wash up – oh, gross.“Minha, we can recite Quran together tonight.” Ravi jolts upright, towering over me. I smile warmly at him.“Sure.”And we are going to prays and recite a lot of du’a from Quran to seek for prosperity, piece and to send our late Grandpa to Allah with goodwill. All of us will, on today’s blissful night – the night of revelation of Quran to our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. All is going to be alright. InsyaAllah.