[M] 1. (1/1)

Luhan’s never been particularly good with words. He’s always been secret smiles and childish eyes, and muscular arms that don’t go along with his little hands, but that’s always been just enough for Jongin, because he’s never been particularly good with words either. xxx Luhan opens his mouth and smiles with his teeth, and Jongin bites his lip and looks anywhere else because it hurts to see those teeth shining in the stage lights. He hates Luhan’s face with the same intensity that he loves making the fans scream his name, and he wishes he could say it wasn’t because he dreamt of it every night but that would be a lie and there is nothing Jongin is worse at than lying to himself. He hates waking up and finding Kyungsoo in his bed, and he hates going out to eat breakfast and finding Luhan in his seat, knowing that Sehun has pulled the maknae card to get his way, and Jongin hates him, too. Jongin missed out on Sehun’s entitlement by a mere three months, and Sehun never lets him forget it, and Jongin’s supposed to be older and wiser and stronger because Jongin is the sex symbol of EXO-K and Jongin is not supposed to lock himself in the bathroom and cry in the shower when he sees Luhan kissing Sehun’s cheek, but he does. Jongin doesn’t let anyone hear him, though, because Jongin is supposed to love Kyungsoo. But he doesn’t, and he never has. xxx The others assume, because sometimes when Jongin’s spent too many hours in the dance practice room to even remember how to use his muscles Kyungsoo comes to him and touches him and Jongin is young and tired, and he just doesn’t have the ability to say no before Kyungsoo’s lips are wrapped around Jongin’s most private place and making him moan, even though Jongin’s not really sure he’s ever given Kyungsoo permission. And then, sometimes, Jongin cries about that, too. xxx Jongin’s thought about telling Luhan the truth about how he feels, mostly when they’re sitting outside and absorbing the cool night air and not saying much of anything except for when Luhan raises his eyebrows in an obscene wiggle when Jongin mentions Kyungsoo not letting him sleep, and then Jongin throws up over the edge of the sidewalk and Luhan misunderstands. He calls for Junmyeon, who’s favorite has always been Jongin, and Luhan watches as Junmyeon gathers Jongin up in his arms and carries him back inside the dorm, and for once Jongin wants to cry in front of someone and act like he’s part of the maknae line he’s been denied, but instead he settles for putting on his most pathetic face and asking the K leader to stay with him for the night, and Junmyeon agrees without hesitation, and Jongin’s not sure if he should be afraid. Jongin gets lucky, and Junmyeon keeps his hands above the waist and his lips to himself, and Jongin’s not sure why he thought the leader would do anything else, because Junmyeon’s never been anything but sweet and he loves Jongin like a little brother. Jongin thinks he might just be paranoid from sharing a room with Kyungsoo for so long, but he can’t be sure, and he’s not about to ask one of the others to switch with him because Jongin thinks Junmyeon likes being there to take care of Sehun when his night light burns out and Jongin can’t stand Sehun because Sehun has what Jongin wants and there’s no way Jongin is going to try to separate Chanyeol and Baekhyun because they’re soul mates and Jongin just can’t imagine being that cruel. So Jongin comes up with a new plan and he thinks that maybe this will keep him safe. xxx Jongin starts staying later and later in the practice room, mostly to avoid Kyungsoo who feels the need to touch him every time they’re alone, and sometimes when they’re not, and to avoid Sehun who thinks they’re best friends but lately Jongin kind of wants to throw up when he sees him, too. Jongin’s not expecting Luhan to corner him in the practice room, but he doesn’t expect much anymore, and he’d rather be forgotten than be in the middle of this mess of a band, but Jongin signed a contract. Luhan makes him sit down and convinces him to drink some water before he tells Jongin that he doesn’t need to try so hard, because he already knows the dances, and he’ll do just fine at whatever upcoming performance is stressing him out so much, and Jongin forces a smile even though there are tears in his eyes and he allows Luhan to lead Jongin and his exhausted body back to the room Jongin shares with Kyungsoo and Luhan pats Jongin’s backside as he climbs up in the bed and Jongin catches Kyungsoo’s eyes for a moment, and he can see that Kyungsoo is angry. Jongin tries to hold onto Luhan, to make the elder stay there with him, but Luhan smiles and tells Jongin that Sehun is waiting for him so they can go on their bubble tea date and Jongin’s heart fractures again as Luhan walks out the door. Jongin tries to say no, tries to push Kyungsoo away as the elder climbs into his too small bed and forces his tongue inside of Jongin’s mouth, and Jongin knows better than to fight by now, because Kyungsoo doesn’t ever stop anymore, not even when Jongin bleeds and can’t dance the next day, and certainly not when Jongin cries. Kyungsoo used to tell Jongin that he loved him, but now Kyungsoo just tells Jongin that he deserves it for being such a little tease, and Jongin feels like he’s at the end of his rope and he doesn’t know how much more he can take. Jongin curls in on himself when Kyungsoo finishes, and Jongin runs through the list of things he hates the most. Jongin hates Kyungsoo, for doing this to him. Jongin hates Sehun, for taking Luhan away. Jongin hates Luhan, for choosing Sehun over him. Jongin hates Baekhyun, because Jongin knows Baekhyun and Jongin knows that Baekhyun will wink at him in the morning when he goes for aspirin to dull the pain. Jongin hates Chanyeol, because Chanyeol always teases him when he hears what Kyungsoo does to Jongin at night, and Chanyeol never hears the broken sobbing. Jongin hates Junmyeon, because he doesn’t ask any questions when that’s all Jongin needs. And Jongin hates himself most of all, because as Kyungsoo’s pleasure leaks out of Jongin’s pain, Jongin is forced to admit there was a measure of pleasure on his behalf too. At least enough that Jongin has to do laundry in the morning, if he can even get out of bed. xxx Jongin doesn’t get out of bed the next morning. Jongin doesn’t get out of bed in the afternoon, either. Jongin doesn’t move for hours and hours and he’s caught between crying and being relieved when it seems like no matter how long he lays there no one is going to come find him. Jongin listens to the quiet of the dorm and he he listens to the pounding of his heart and he hates everything with a passion. Jongin pushes himself up and out of his bed, grabbing an outfit that Jongin is not convinced is clean, and then Jongin makes his way to the shower so he can cry and inspect the damage in privacy, and he makes a mistake because Jongin thinks he’s alone, and he lets the pain show on his face when he steps out of his room, and Sehun is standing there, looking like he’s not sure if he should go in or not. Jongin stares at Sehun for a long time, and Jongin remembers when Sehun was his best friend back before feelings got complicated and before Jongin wanted to punch Sehun in his pretty little mouth and see if that fixed his stupid fucking lisp. Jongin pushes Sehun out of the way and makes his way down to the bathroom, and Jongin’s thighs tremble as an unknown substance sticks the seat of Jongin’s pants to his backside and Jongin hears Sehun’s gasp but Jongin closes the door before Sehun can ask any questions, because Sehun is the last person Jongin wants to talk to right now. Or ever. Jongin doesn’t know how long he spends in the shower. Jongin only knows that he’s scrubbed his skin so hard he’s started bleeding in a few places and even if he cries louder no one will come to check on him because by now Jongin’s figured that they all know what Kyungsoo is doing, and none of them care. Jongin all but collapses on the floor of the shower and lets little sobs wreck his body as he lets the hot water run over him, and Jongin doesn’t notice when the bathroom door opens. Jongin doesn’t notice when someone walks right up to the glass shower door that’s just slightly ajar because Jongin feels like he’s suffocating if he keeps all that hot air trapped. Jongin doesn’t notice anything at all until, suddenly, the water stops, and Jongin is forced to look up. At first, Jongin thinks that it’s Chanyeol coming to make fun of him, because Jongin forgets that he knows one other person who could possible rival Chanyeol’s height. Jongin tends to forget about Kris a lot of the time, because Jongin and Kris aren’t exactly close. But right now, Jongin is glad for Kris, because Kris is wrapping him up in a towel and Kris is picking him up off the soaking wet floor and Kris isn’t touching Jongin anywhere that makes Jongin afraid, which is good, because Jongin really needs a friend. Kris asks the questions that Junmyeon doesn’t, and Kris gives Jongin the privacy that Kyungsoo likes to take away, and Kris doesn’t make lewd jokes and laugh at Jongin’s expense and Jongin isn’t in love with Kris. Perhaps the most important, though, is that Kris isn’t in love with Luhan. Jongin is pretty sure that Kris isn’t in love with anyone, and Jongin thinks that this makes Kris safe, because love is what has been killing Jongin slowly for far too long. Jongin feels the safest when avoiding matters of the heart, and so Jongin doesn’t tell Kris that Jongin loves Luhan. Jongin also doesn’t tell Kris that he hates Luhan, Sehun, Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol. Jongin doesn’t tell Kris that Jongin hates himself. Jongin only tells Kris what Kyungsoo does, late at night, and Jongin isn’t even sure why he tells Kris, except that maybe he thinks he’ll feel better if he gets it out. Instead, Jongin feels sick. Kris helps Jongin into fresh clothes and then Kris helps Jongin to his feet and Jongin doesn’t want to let go because Jongin is afraid by everything he’s just admitted and Kris seems to understand that because Kris wraps his arm around Jongin’s waist and leads Jongin out of K’s dorm and into M’s. Kris lets Jongin hide in Kris’ room and convinces Luhan to stay with Sehun, and Jongin is surprised by the reluctance in Luhan’s voice when Luhan agrees but Jongin is also relieved because Jongin is crying again and if Luhan ever saw that, Jongin might actually die. xxx Jongin doesn’t move from Kris’ bed for hours and hours, and when Kris comes in to try to convince Jongin to eat he looks guilty because Kris knows Jongin doesn’t want to be around anyone. Kris doesn’t say anything beyond asking what Jongin wants for dinner, and Jongin is starting to wonder if maybe Kris isn’t very good with words either. xxx Jongin is more afraid than he should be when Kris slips into the room that night, but Kris only offers Jongin some tea since Jongin still hasn’t eaten, and Kris doesn’t want to force Jongin to do anything. When the night falls Jongin realizes he can’t stand the idea of sharing a bed with someone, and so he slips out onto the couch as Kris settles into his own bed, and Jongin curls up there and doesn’t say anything to anyone even as his elders watch him with worried eyes. Eventually, Jongin convinces himself to sleep. xxx Jongin is pretty sure he’s going into heart failure when he wakes up to someone touching him. He shifts, opens his eyes, and even though Jongin is expecting Kyungsoo, somehow it hurts more to see Luhan. Luhan has maneuvered Jongin’s head into Luhan’s lap and it takes Jongin a moment to realize that Luhan is looking at Jongin’s feet. Jongin turns his head slightly and looks down at Sehun, who looks guilty and afraid, and Jongin wants... Jongin wants to kick him in the stomach and Jongin wants to cry and Jongin wants to be the child for once and when Jongin reaches for Sehun and pulls Sehun down to lay beside him, Jongin thinks that, maybe, he is the child. Jongin isn’t completely dumb. Jongin discovered that it was blood, not cum, sticking his pants to him the day before when Sehun had seen him, and Jongin has figured out by now that it was because of Sehun that Kris had come and fished Jongin out of his tears and breathed a little bit of sanity back into Jongin’s overtaxed mind. Jongin doesn’t cry as Luhan strokes his hair and he doesn’t tremble as Sehun holds him in his arms. Jongin doesn’t lash out and tell Sehun he hates him, and he doesn’t try to steal Luhan away. Jongin doesn’t do anything, really, except lay there and feed off of the attention he is receiving, because what else can he do? xxx Jongin isn’t so afraid when he wakes up to someone else touching him the morning after. Jongin looks up, expecting to see Luhan or Sehun or maybe even Kris, but instead Jongin finds Minseok rubbing Jongin’s tummy with a pained expression. Jongin is confused, until he hears his stomach growling, and then he remembers that Minseok has a food addiction, and Minseok hates it when people are hungry. Jongin understands hate better than most things, and Jongin gives in easily when Minseok starts pushing food into Jongin’s mouth. Jongin sits up after he almost chokes on a grape, and Minseok smiles because he thinks that means he’s making Jongin feel better. Jongin doesn’t tell Xiumin that Jongin’s default state as of late is nausea with a sprinkling of fear, and so Jongin’s only feeling better on the fear front. Minseok feeds Jongin a chunk of melon and smiles at him, and Jongin smiles back to be polite, but Minseok isn’t dumb, and he can see that Jongin is lying. xxx Over the next week Jongin falls into a steady rhythm of waking up on M’s couch to Jongdae trying to cuddle with him (Jongdae is attention starved but likes to pretend he isn’t) and slowly Jongin is starting to cuddle back because Jongin gets plenty of attention but it never seems to be the right kind. Jongin spends the next week being fed by Xiumin and trying to fix his friendship with Sehun in between dance practice with Lay and crying over Luhan and Kyungsoo in Kris’ arms. Jondae is a constant presence in the mornings, offering shy smiles and slowly, Jongin is starting to remember how to smile back. Jongin is getting used to all of these things so much that they have become a comfort and a feeling of security that Jongin hasn’t had in longer than he cares to remember. The only thing Jongin really wishes he could change is the way that the only person who seems to be on his side anymore when he goes to his own dorm to get his clothes is Sehun. It’s not that Jongin isn’t grateful for Sehun’s comforting presence as Jongin quickly gathers the things he needs, it’s that Jongin misses being Junmyeon’s favorite, and Jongin misses being able to laugh with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Sometimes, when Sehun is busy and Jongin is anxious Jongin finds himself under Zitao’s heavy arm as Jongin’s so-called brothers from EXO-K stare Jongin down like they hate him for breathing. Jongin’s guessed that they’ve taken Kyungsoo’s side, and it hurts because Jongin knows M won’t be there forever, and then Jongin will be alone. xxx Jongin wakes up feeling groggy and confused, and it’s dark so Jongin really has no clue why he’s awake because he’s been sleeping better than ever on EXO-M’s lumpy couch. Jongin moves to roll over when he realizes he’s moaning softly, and he looks around wildly until his eyes focus on Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has one hand in Jongin’s pants, and another over Jongin’s mouth, and Jongin wants to scream but he’s afraid. Kyungsoo grins wickedly and moves his hand a little faster, and Jongin is trembling and trying not to cum as he cries because he doesn’t want this. Jongin lets out a loud cry as he feels heat pooling in his stomach, and he knows he’s about two pumps from spilling in the too-big pajamas Kris had let him borrow when Kyungsoo’s hand stills and there’s an angry presence at the end of the couch. Jongin looks up through puddly eyes and sees Zitao fuming and looking like he wants to use his wushu stick to break Kyungsoo’s back. Kyungsoo pulls his hand out and Jongin is trembling because stopping when he’s so close hurts. Zitao moves toward him, and Kyungsoo backs away, and Jongin doesn’t know if he can even talk when Zitao asks if he’s ok, so Jongin shakes his head when he means to nod and Zitao picks Jongin up and glares at Kyungsoo, and for the first time Kyungsoo looks small. Zitao opens the door to Kris and Luhan’s room and urges Jongin whose legs are trembling inside. Zitao watches as Jongin stumbles over to Kris’ bed and climbs up in it with Kris, and Kris who has leader-syndrome wakes up instantly when his bed dips. Kris sees that Jongin is crying and Kris pulls Jongin into his bed and wipes at Jongin’s tears and Jongin whimpers pathetically. Jongin hides his face in Kris’ chest and his erection, which is leaking by now, rubs against Kris’ leg, and Jongin sobs and tries to keep himself from rutting against Kris’ leg which is harder than he expects because Jongin has never been left hanging like this before. Kris rubs Jongin’s back gently and waits to see what Jongin will do as they both listen to Zitao threatening Kyunsoo within an inch of his life. Kris and Jongin are both surprised when Jongin utters a soft “please” and Kris knows what Jongin means but he hesitates because he doesn’t want to scar Jongin. Jongin is already scarred, though, and when Jongin begs him again Kris gives in, reaching into Jongin’s pants and wrapping his hand around him.

Kris is shaking almost as badly as Jongin, because Kris has never done this before, and he’s afraid of hurting Jongin but Jongin moans and cums in under a minute, and then Jongin is crying harder than ever because now Jongin feels like a slut. Kris places an over-large hand on Jongin’s hip and the other threads into Jongin’s hair, and Jongin clings to the front of Kris’ shirt  until Jongin finally falls asleep.