Chapter 7 (1/1)

Yoongi was distant again.It seemed like whenever some sort of forward progress with him occurred, he pulled back without warning; as if he regretted opening up to me. And most days, I just couldn’t bring myself to chase down after him when he closed himself off again. It was torturous, yes, but did I really have any control over it? No. Even if I desperately chased after him, I knew it would only push him further away. I wasn’t an idiot.“In today’s lecture, we will go in depth in discussing psychological trauma.”I let out a heavy sigh and smacked my head on the wall next to me as I opened my laptop and prepared a document to take notes. God, I really needed to come back down to earth.“You’re going to have to remember all this since, most likely, many of you will go into a field where you will have to be able to diagnose clients based not on physical trauma, but mental trauma. The definition of trauma differs among individuals by their subjective experiences, not the objective facts. People will react to similar events very differently, and you must keep that in mind.”I attempted to blink the tiredness out of my eyes and focus on the lecture, annoyed that it was so late at night. This was important shit though, and I had to focus no matter how stressed and tired I was. I didn’t have the time to be dwelling on personal relationships.It was midterms time. I had just taken two earlier today and I thought my brain was going to just short circuit.“There are three common behaviors in response to psychological stressors. The first, proactive, involves active involvement in correcting the stressor so as not to have a noticeable effect on lifestyle.”Jieun, with her mother’s affair when she was in high school.“The second, reactive, occurs well after the original trauma, where the victim aims at reducing the damages of the stressful event.”Yoongi, using his songwriting to express the repressed feelings of his abandoning girlfriend. “The third, passive, is often characterized by emotional numbness of the victim, or even ignorance to the significance of the stressor.”Me, with my shitty abandoning father.“Those who are proactive can often overcome stressors and are more likely to be able to cope well with unexpected situations. Alternatively, more reactive patients will often experience more noticeable effects from an unexpected stressor. In the case of those who are passive, victims of a stressful event are more likely to suffer from long-term traumatic effects and often enact no intentional coping mechanisms.”Ha. Well, you learned something new about how fucked up you were every day in this field of study.I’d been thinking a lot about my own shortcomings since that night. I couldn’t fully blame Yoongi’s sudden disappearance on him; I’d also been distant myself. My father really fucked me over. He was never affectionate, I was never good enough or smart enough, and then one day he just left and I never heard from him again. I was cognizant enough to understand that this profoundly affected me even to this day, fifteen years later.Maybe part of the reason I ended up studying psychology, besides my obvious gift for reading people, is because I wanted to understand why he never loved me. I was afraid of the feelings that I had begun developing for Yoongi. I’ve never felt unconditional love from a man before. I knew, subconsciously, that I feared he’d get impatient with me like my father did with my mother, and leave. It was an irrational fear, and I absolutely despised that. I understood where it came from, why it was there, but I still couldn’t convince myself that it shouldn’t impact my feelings. And I know those feelings impact every relationship I have, whether that be platonic or romantic. I knew it very well, but I still couldn't control it.My stupid feelings. I hated my feelings. I wish I could just erase them.“Its also important to distinct the difference between short term and long term trauma. Long term trauma, a common example being childhood abuse or the absence of a parent, is often buried very deeply in the subconscious and difficult to work through. It will take much longer to bring it to the surface and get the client to work through it.”I was snapped awake from my daydream when I heard a ping on my laptop, immediately startled since I forgot to put my laptop on silent. I was lucky that the lecture hall was big enough that only a few people around me heard it.Jieun‘Yo, news. I’m going home to go to a party for Halloween since I know you don’t wanna go out. That’s cool, yeah?’‘Of course. I’m planning on staying home, anyway.’‘Naturally, you’re predictable! Have you heard from Yoongi yet?’I let out an annoyed sigh before typing my simple response of ‘no.’ Jieun was on a crusade to get us together ever since I admitted my feelings for him to her, and while it was a nice outlet for discussion, sometimes it was annoying how persistent she was.I looked up at the clock, noting that it was only 9:10. Barely forty minutes had passed by, and I was exhausted. Tired and desperate, I quickly closed out kakao talk and forced myself to focus on the lecture instead. Unfortunately, my mind was absolutely clouded with my own shortcomings, as well as a particularly infuriating mint haired boy.***The moment of my failure, will someone hold my hand?The moment when I come down from the stage, will that person be next to me?Just tell me that I can survive, in this cold world just feel my vibeI know, one day at a time, the sun gon’ shine.Without a formal greeting, I sat myself down at the study table in the corner of the library where my group members were. I ripped my headphones out of my ears and left them on the table while I pulled out my notebook and pencil case. As a result, my group members could hear the song I’d been listening to as I was on my way here.I lost too many friends, you know that I did lost too many clansBeing a singer, I lost too many bandsI couldn’t help but spit and spit keep repeating too many damnsGotta let my eyes watch too many endsOutside was a whole battlefield so I bring out the chopperEvery night inside me I quietly fight with myselfMy heart pounds, my colleagues stab me in the back—Finally finding my needed materials, I reached to turn off my music and put it in my bag, looking up at the three others in my group only to see them all staring at me quizzically.“What?” I asked, scrunching my eyebrows in confusion and likely giving off a hostile vibe. “Were you listening to… Rap Monster’s mixtape?” One girl asked in surprise. What was her name? I couldn’t remember. Maybe it was Sooyoung?“Yeah, why?” I responded, just as confused as she appeared to be.“Rumor says Rapmon only gives his mixtape to people he considers himself close to… its a completely coveted thing. Everyone is desperate to hear his productions, but he refuses to give it out and distract everyone from BTS’ music. How in the world did you get that?” The other girl… Jisoo?… elaborated extensively. I could sense in the tone of her voice that she probably wouldn’t believe the truth of it. “He literally handed it to me.” I responded flatly, blinking a few times when I saw the disbelief cross both girls’ features. “…You’re close with Kim Namjoon?” Sooyoung asked in total disbelief, making me want to smack my head, and hers, against the nearest wall. My patience was running thin as it was and being interrogated about my personal life was only making it deteriorate even more rapidly.“Yes. And the rest of the boys in BTS. What’s the big deal?” I propositioned while pursing my lips and quirking an eyebrow in challenge. I doubt they’d vocalize it but I knew what both of them were thinking.How did the ice queen become close to BTS when we, or anyone else, couldn’t?“Guys, drop it. We actually have things to do.” The only male, who I recall as being Jinyoung, broke the tension and got everyone to focus on the task at hand.I was beyond exhausted. Luckily it was Thursday so the week would be over by tomorrow afternoon, which incidentally was Halloween. I hadn’t been able to sleep much, I’d encountered four separate midterms this week, plus this impending deadline for this group project that I was dreading for this very reason.Jinyoung managed to keep our group on focus for about forty five minutes or so, but as soon as we began working on our separate parts, the questions came flooding in, driving me even closer to the edge of the metaphorical cliff.“So… like… are the rumors true? Is Taehyung like an alien? Is Yoongi super cold to everyone?” Jisoo asked excitedly as I scribbled down a few notes. “No and no.” I replied shortly, not even looking up at her as I responded to her question.I smirked to myself, somewhat confident knowing that I knew a side of Yoongi that others didn’t. That, however, did not change the fact that I once again hadn’t spoken with him in over a week.Even more annoyance bubbles up in my gut at my own mind’s reminder, causing me to shut down further and become even more noticeably irritable. It just drove me insane that he was like this. I wanted to give him space, but the constant back and forth was putting my life in turmoil.I’d fallen hard, and I knew that, but I felt helpless in controlling it at this moment. And not knowing how to move forward with those feelings? That alone pissed me off even more. I was Choi Yujin, nearly a certified genius with an IQ only slightly below Namjoon’s, and I ALWAYS had a plan for everything. To have Yoongi crash into my life and throw all that up in the air not only ridded me of my main security blanket, but made me feel insecure for the first time in my life. And it made me feel something like hate for him. Who does he think he is, treating me like this? Especially after I opened up to him.“I heard that ever since his girlfriend left a year ago, he’s been rejecting every girl that confessed to him. Some girls have made it their goal to be the first to break through his shell. He’s had to have turned down at least 30 of them by now.” Sooyoung giggled lightly, making my blood boil under my veins.I never liked gossip. But I quickly realized I absolutely loathed it when it came to people I care about.“Apparently he’s been writing all these emo songs too, so BTS’ concepts have gone from light to dark. Its kind of sad to watch, honestly.” Jisoo added with a giggle. That was it. I couldn’t take this anymore. “I have other things to do.” I hissed, barely hiding my contempt at all as I stuffed everything in my bag, grabbing my phone and earphones to put on.“And, by the way, you shouldn’t discuss things that you very clearly have no knowledge of. It just makes you look like a fucking idiot.” I scoffed at the two girls as I walked past, and I watched their eyes widen in surprise at my venom filled words.My legs carried me to my next destination, like a reflex. It didn’t matter how annoyed I was, it didn’t matter how much h