The Truth (1/1)

Hyukjae’s POV I remembered when we first met.He looked so beautiful in my eyes, I never saw someone like that.I was 6 years old and he was 5 years old.I knew he was sad at that time and I didn’t know why but I really wanted to protect him.I remembered too when we run together, trying to escape from his father.I brought him to Seoul and lived with my parents.I protected him with all my life, my heart, and my soul. No one could go near him because I was afraid they would make him sad.I promised to myself that I would never make him cry again as long as I live in this world.I promised to myself that I would make him to be a happiest person in this world.Until when I was 11 years old and he was 10 years old…We met Kyuhyun. He was very close with Donghae.I was jealous. I felt that he took Donghae from me.Donghae used to smile only for me, but now I have to share it with Kyuhyun.Donghae used to laugh only for me, but now I have to share it with Kyuhyun.Donghae used to have breakfast with me, but now he often eats together with Kyuhyun.Donghae used to hug me, but now he hugs Kyuhyun too.Donghae used to kiss me, but now he kisses Kyuhyun too.I used to protect him, but now Kyuhyun can protect him too.I used to make him smile and laugh, but now Kyuhyun can make him smile and laugh too.I was frustrated. I though that I would go crazy!!When I was 17 years old and he was 16 years old, I started dating many girls.When I told him that I had a girlfriend, he only smiled at me.I hoped he would say something like ‘You’re mine, you can’t have a girlfriend’But he never said that. I started changing girls like I change underwear.He never complained to me, but I could see from his eyes that he was sad.But I didn’t know he was sad because of me or not, he never said that.We went to the collage together with Kyuhyun.When I was busy with my girlfriend, he was hanging out with Kyuhyun.I felt that he didn’t need me anymore.I felt that he betrayed me.Who was the person that saved him at that time?Who was the person that protected him?Who was the person that always near him when he was sad??It was me! ME! LEE HYUKJAE!!!But why he was closer with Kyuhyun than me.I had a girlfriend because I wanted to make him jealous.Firstly, I didn’t know why I felt like that.I didn’t know why I really wanted to punch Kyuhyun’s face when he hugged Donghae.I didn’t know why but it made me more frustrated.I wanted him to be mine only, no one else.We graduated from the collage together. I worked at my father’s company and he became my secretary.I liked the fact that I would be near him…But I hated the fact that Kyuhyun always visited him. I hate it! Really hate it from the bottom of my heart.I didn’t know what it was until my mom made me realized.She didn’t care if I love man or woman as long as I’m happy.I love him. Yes I repeat it, I love him.But, I am afraid. I don’t want to be insulted as a gay people.I always thought it was a sin.Maybe it was better for me if I didn’t save him at that time.But I realized, actually I have fallen for him when we first met.I kept thinking and thinking, but I’m still afraid.I don’t brave enough to take the responsibility.I have to face the fact I will never have a baby from my wife, I will always hear people mocking me because I’m gay, I was not ready to bear it all. Self-esteem, dignity, and my selfishness, cover my love for him.And I have decided I will make him get out from my life.I started acting like bitch, shit, and sometime I really hate myself because I did something like that to him.I think again and again, but still…. I don’t brave to face the fact.Until that night, when I was calling Donghae’s phone, Kyuhyun answered it.My anger was boiling. I wanted him to be mine. Mine only, and I will never share it anymore. I started to think again. Could I take the responsibility??When I met Kyuhyun, I really had a desire to kill him.When he said that he loved Donghae, I couldn’t describe my feelings. Angry? Mad? Crazy?I didn’t know. The one thing I knew, I was afraid. I really afraid he would take Donghae from me.He asked me if I could let Donghae to be with him or not. I would suddenly say I didn’t want! But I didn’t say it. He knew that I love Donghae, but I didn’t want to admit that. Never! Finally I said something that opposite from my heart and unfortunately Donghae heard it.When I and Donghae went home, he didn’t want to talk to me. So many questions were in my head. Was he mad? Was he angry? Did he hate me? Would he leave me?? I was afraid to that. I was trembling when I was thinking about that nightmare. I didn’t want him to go, I wanted him to stay with me.I argued with him and I said something stupid that broke his heart into pieces.I didn’t know why my mouth so crazy and didn’t want to stop at that night.I wanted him to stop meeting Kyuhyun, but I couldn’t say it.‘You’re not Lee Hyukjae.’‘What? What are you trying to say here? Please say to the point. I got to many problems today.’I was stressed. I wanted to hug him and said sorry. But still, my ego was higher than my heart.‘Lee Hyukjae that I knew was not a cold person and was not concerned with other people's feelings, Lee Hyukjae that I knew were soft-hearted person and always smile, Lee Hyukjae that I knew was a people who always say sorry even though he was not wrong, Lee Hyukjae that I knew was the one who would always say thank you. Lee Hyukjae that I knew was a people who really cared for Lee Donghae, who always called him all the time, asking if Lee Donghae had eaten or not, what Lee Donghae was doing, Lee Hyukjae that I knew was a people who did not want to go to the club because he couldn’t drink alcoholic beverages, Lee Hyukjae that I knew would immediately run when I was screaming for help.’I couldn’t say anything. My mind was blank.‘But, who is Lee Hyukje now? I don’t know him at all.’‘The Lee Hyukjae that I know now is a cold person that always says hurtful words, never smiles to me at all, never says thank you or sorry, always ignores my call or message and said how annoying I was, always goes to the club every night and always make me worry, and you are not there when I need your help the most.’I wanted to say something. But suddenly my mouth didn’t want to open.‘I met my father.’‘What?’ I only could say that word.‘I met him and he almost killed me.’I wanted to ask him if he was ok or not? Why he didn’t call me? Why he called Kyuhyun instead? So many why why and why in my head.‘I was depressed to call you. I was scared, until I think I would die on the spot. The biggest fear I have kept for 20 years suddenly comes right in front of my eyes. 20 years ago I was not afraid as it is now, because you're by my side. But now? When my dad was chasing me, just like it happened 20 years ago, I was hiding in the garbage. But everything is different, I was alone, no one to protect me, no one hugged me while my body shook with fear, no one said 'do not worry, I'm here', there was nothing to protect me. You have gone from my life Hyukjae.’‘Maybe, just maybe. When you didn’t answer my call at that time, I thought to give myself to my father and met my mom.’I almost went crazy when he always said that he wanted to meet his mother. My heart would suddenly stop beating when he said those words.‘Presence or absence of I am, I am alive or not, there is not any influence to you, right? I am just parasites that alive aboard, just useless junk, only those who do not have pride, I have a passion for life back to when I met you at the time. But now, I just wanted to quickly leave this world.’I wanted to beg, cry, and say thousands of sorry. But still, I couldn’t move from my place. I froze. And I could feel tears coming down from my eyes.I went to my girlfriend house because she asked me.I couldn’t sleep at all. My mind was full of him.The next morning Kyuhyun called me and asked where he was.I was getting irritated and Kyuhyun kept making me frustrated when he said that he would take Donghae from me. I still denied my feelings and I knew it was not Kyuhyun’s fault, but me.I was acting like a shit. I want to keep Donghae but don’t want to take responsibility.I was envious with Kyuhyun’s bravery. Sometime I though that I would let Donghae go with him. But my heart felt that they tore apart when I was thinking about that. And in the conclusion, I couldn’t leave Donghae.Actually I wanted to beg at him to let Donghae go. But I knew I was not a good person that would make Donghae happy. I was still afraid, afraid that my love for him will kill me smoothly. I thought, if one day I didn’t love him anymore. What should I do?? No one know if the heart can change right?I tried to call Donghae too but he didn’t answer.I had a bad feeling, but maybe I was just paranoid.Suddenly my phone was ringing. Kyuhyun again?‘What’s now?’‘DAMN!!! YOU’RE BASTARD! YOU MAKE HIM LIKE THIS. IF SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HIM, I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY HANDS!!!’‘WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!!’‘HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU’RE SHIT!’And I just wanted to kill myself at that time.Lee Hyukjae you’re the stupidest person that have ever lived    Yeah, it's long T.TEnjoy and comment ^^